The Death of the Ego: Moving Beyond Intellectual Knowledge
We all have those moments where we grasp something intellectually, only to realize we don’t truly feel it. It’s the difference between knowing something with your mind and knowing it with every fiber of your being.
This is where I find myself stuck when it comes to the idea of the ego—or rather, its absence. The concept that there’s no real ‘I’ or ‘you,’ no separation between anything in the universe, is one I’ve wrestled with for years. I get it on an intellectual level, but feeling it—living it—well, that’s an entirely different beast.
Knowing vs. Feeling: The Mind’s Illusion
Here’s the thing: knowing that the ego is an illusion doesn’t mean you understand it in your bones. It’s one thing to say, “Oh, yeah, we’re all interconnected, just particles in this cosmic soup.” It’s quite another to actually experience life as if those divisions don’t exist. The reality is, most of us are still operating under the assumption that our egos are real. We live our lives in these little boxes, convinced that there’s a hard line between me and you.
And yet, if we zoom out, the science doesn’t support this illusion of separateness. The atoms that make up our bodies have existed since the beginning of time and will continue on through eternity. Think about it—every single particle in you was here at creation and will be here long after we’re gone. The cells in our bodies are constantly turning over—our skin cells every two to four weeks, our gut cells every few days, red blood cells about every four months. Even our brain cells, which last the longest, slowly renew themselves over decades.
This means that over time, every cell in our bodies is replaced. It’s like the Ship of Theseus, that old paradox: if you replace every plank in a ship over time, is it still the same ship? If every single cell in our body changes, are we still the same person? The atoms that make up us could have been part of Shakespeare, Genghis Khan, or Mother Teresa. So, who are we really? Who is the ‘I’ that we hold on to so tightly?
The Reality Check: The Mind’s Hack
We might say that the “I” is a hack—something our brain creates to navigate the world. It gives us a sense of continuity, of identity, but the truth is that these divisions don’t actually exist. They’re there to make life manageable. Maybe even just possible. The separation of “me” versus “you” is a trick—a useful one, sure—but a trick nonetheless. It’s like our brains are running on an outdated operating system, clinging to a sense of self that doesn’t hold up under scrutiny.
These are the kinds of questions I chew on. I wrestle with them intellectually, rolling them around in my mind. And yet, I’m so far from feeling it, from knowing it with my whole body. It’s like there’s this chasm between what I understand and what I actually experience. So, how do I bridge that gap? How do any of us?
Swimming Through Pain: My Disconnect from the Body
As I reflect on this, I think about my history as a swimmer. I once had a friend tell me there are two kinds of swimmers: those with talent and distance swimmers. And it’s true—if you had real speed, you would never choose to swim long distances! It’s only those of us who aren’t fast enough that willingly dive into the endurance races. For me, even the longest pool event, 1500 meters, felt too short. I competed there and did well, but where I really thrived was in open water. I made the USA National Team in the 25-kilometer race. That’s right—25 kilometers. I was so far from talented, I had to go the extra distance.
To push my body through races that could last for more than five hours, I trained myself to ignore the signals of pain my body was sending me. We always hear about the importance of the mind-body connection, about listening to our bodies. But this is a language I deliberately unlearned. To swim those distances, I had to override every instinct telling me to stop, to listen, to feel. I shut off the pain, the discomfort, and focused solely on the finish line.
But as I get older, as injuries pile up, I realize I’ve lost touch with this essential language. I’m trying to relearn it now, but it’s not easy. I spent years training my body to be silent, to ignore what it was telling me. And now, I’m finding that maybe that was a mistake. Maybe those signals are exactly what I need to listen to.
Relearning the Language of the Body
So here I am, trying to reconnect with my body. I’m learning to ask: Is this decision a “whole body yes”? And what does that even mean? What does it feel like when something is a yes? What does it feel like when it’s not? I wish I could tell you I have all the answers, but I’m not there yet. I’m still figuring it out. I’m trying to know things not just with my mind but with my whole being.
Which brings me back to the ego. I intellectually know that the separation between me and you doesn’t exist. That we’re all part of this flowing, interconnected whole. And yet, I haven’t felt it. Not yet. I haven’t moved from knowing to understanding, from thinking to being. Maybe that’s the point of it all—the journey, the mission, the purpose of life. To bridge that gap. To get to a place where we understand these truths with our whole selves, not just our minds.
The Journey Ahead
It’s taken me a while to start down this path deliberately. But now that I’m on it, I’m fascinated to find out where it leads. What will I discover as I work to feel, truly feel, that the ego isn’t real? That we’re all in this together, part of something much bigger than our minds can comprehend? I have no idea. But I’m committed to finding out.
So, who’s with me for the journey?









